How To Have A Great Argument ~ Heidi Elznic

Hey, I'm hijacking Nate's Mind today...enjoy :)


Misunderstandings...they’re so confusing, so exasperating, so stupid.  If you’re like me, I mentally retrace my conversation to try to pinpoint the miscommunication.  If I am objective (and that’s a big IF in the heat of the moment), I see where BOTH of us could have been clearer...or at least nicer.  Although this seems like a logical thing to do since I don’t want make the same mistake twice, studies have shown it’s actually proven to be, and I quote, “really dumb”!  I have never resolved an argument by retracing every word and pointing out who did it “wrong” cuz guess what, what’s “wrong” to me is fine for you and what’s “wrong” to you has never offended me etc. etc...Even if the conversation would have been perfectly planned, the perfect words chosen, and discussed at the perfect time, there would still be a good chance that both you and I would not HEAR it the same, or that someone would read into a word that was never meant to be read into!  And then what do we do?  We argue about what was said during our argument (this is reaching astonishing levels of genius)!  Unfortunately there wasn’t a scribe handy to jot down our little talk, so nobody will ever be able to prove the difference between what was said, what someone thought was said, what was never said, and what someone thought someone thought about saying.  Let’s be real, when we start splitting hairs about what words were said instead of just HEARING each other, all we’re trying to prove is who’s right. No, let me say that again: all we’re trying to prove is that me, me, ME; I’M RIGHT!!!  It’s safe to say that at this point I’m not smarter than a 1st Grader.  Here’s a new idea: we need to take responsibility for ourselves during an argument.  Self-ownership is a huge responsibility!  Self-ownership means no one can make you feel, act, or think a certain way: you and I feel what we allow ourselves to feel, act how we allow ourselves to act, or think what we allow ourselves to think. And with self-ownership comes the release of other-person-ownership. We usually get these two confused: We try to make the other person own their part when we only have the right to own OUR part.  Don’t you wish your neighbor was reading this?! (WARNING: The selfish and immature should quit reading right now unless they’re willing to put on some big-person panties!) This means I am the only one responsible for me.  God will not hold me accountable for how someone else lived their entire life just like He won’t hold you accountable for mine.  What I’m suggesting is this: whether you’re talking about money or macaroni, an argument can quickly become ridiculously blown out of proportion.  WE don’t have to become ridiculous along with it, WE can stay calm and realize the person we are screaming at means more to us than a few dollars and some slimy pasta, WE can keep our voice steady and stick to the original point, WE can find a solution.  Maybe it’s time to define SOLUTION. A solution is not to have the best argument, or to name call, or to win the argument, or to turn all my friends against your friends, or to say the other person is wrong since they started the argument, or to keep the argument alive as long as possible, or (my favorite) to say someone is “unbiblical”.  These may seem like obvious non-solutions but I’ve done extensive in- the-field research just to make sure.  And it seems that a solution isn’t even finding what works best for ME!  A solution is found when it works for both of us. When WE work from self-ownership, we work from strength not frantic reaction.  Frantic reaction never paints anybody in their best light, unless you look your best in “really dumb”.  Let’s face it, we’ve all had stupid arguments. I know my favorites are between my husband and I when neither of us can recall what started the whole thing.  So please give yourself some grace: anybody’s words can be taken badly and cause a fight; and give everybody around you that same grace along the lines of “do to others what you want done to you”.  And join me as I challenge myself to go deeper in the realms of “self-ownership”.  It’s not easy, it takes a lot of courage, but the sooner you and I decide we are the only ones responsible for our happiness, the sooner we can discover Paul’s secret to truly being at peace in any situation.


Disclaimer: The title was tongue-in-cheek, not to be taken literal.  If, however, you are looking for a good argument I’m sure there’s one about to break out on any given playground.