Dealing With Conflict

Get in a relationship and you will eventually get to the knitty-gritty. Whether it's a romance or a deep friendship, getting through an argument is necessary every once in a while in order to keep it real and true.  There's three childhood games that imitate arguments: Smear the Queer (Not very PC, but hey, I'm not known for my politicalness or my correctness!), Dodgeball, and Hacky Sack.  

Smear the Queer-- You know the game: the person with the ball IS the target of attack.  It's the same in fighting: one person is labeled the problem by the other.  "The problem is you, and your personality, your character; you're a screw-up."  If THAT person would change, the relationship would improve.  If THAT person would quit doing whatever they're doing, the problem would stop. If THAT person would just get their act together then maybe this relationship would work.  It's all THAT person't fault and the other person takes no credit for any wrong.

Dodge Ball-- Your whole childhood mission for this game was to AVOID the ball!  The adult version is to avoid the problem! The couple who plays this game pretends that there isn't a problem.  They avoid the issue and act like it's not there, it doesn't hurt, and it's no big deal. They continually lie to themselves and each other because dealing with conflict hurts! This is especially tricky for married couples, so they spend time together without really spending time together: the majority of their time spent together is amongst activities and people so they can maintain a marriage but avoid going any deeper with each other in relationship.

Hacky Sack-- This is a mellow, straight forward game where you kick the ball around and then pass it on, the ball goes back and forth as you each take a turn.  The argument looks the same, and is actually more like a discussion since there is no blame, no attack.  Each partner takes a turn explaining the problem from their point of view, and the couple has a conversation about how to make it work better the next time.  They may or may not reach a solution, but they realize that open communication and understanding each other deepens the relationship and is more important than just finding a solution. Hippies and drunks make this game look easy, but anyone who has mastered hacky sack will tell you it takes practice to maneuver the ball with skill.  Words have to be carefully chosen and placed so the conversation can continue.  Hurts and pains need to be addressed with respect by both parties so the ball can go back and forth.  

If your best efforts to remain cool in confrontation fail, here's a short list of phrases that have proven to de-escalate any argument:

I'm sorry

I was wrong

Please forgive me

I forgive you--anyone can make a mistake

Happy Fighting,

Nate & Heidi

TheFusionChurch.org

No offense meant towards the lesbian/gay community when we say "smear the queer"--in fact, we think church is for queers (and straight folks, too)!